Abuse of the Ages

It started out as a lonely life. No one else my age to play with, only adults. I remember snipetts of fear. I don't know what from, but I remember it and it felt tangible.

 I'm 3 or 4. Put your face in my lap (daddy this is not comfortable. I don't want my head here). Mommy why can't you see from the back of the truck?

I'm 7. We just got a big dolly from my aunt...one of my cousins old dolls. It's as big as my little sister. I make the dolly pretty with her high heels and dress.....then I take off her clothes, and touch her like daddy touches me. It doesn't feel good.

I'm 9. Mommy please take me with you to cousins wedding...Please. Honey you'll be fine, I'm only going to be gone for 2 days. Daddy is going to watch you. Please mommy PLEASE can I go with you! No you'll have fun with daddy. I'll see you the day after tomorrow. Daddy comes in our room late at night....and pulls down the covers....then pulls down my pants, and touches me on my private spot. I want to say stop...stop...STOP, but i'm scared...I just watch him....he puts his tongue there! Mommy...Pleeeaase come home.

I'm 8. He comes in every so often. So I'm going to change rooms (maybe he won't find me). He does.
Mommy can I tell you something? I don't like daddy touching me. She doesn't understand what I'm saying. He doesn't stop.

I'm 10. We're moving to a new house..Yeah! I get my own room! Wait I don't know about this. Oh honey I thought you'd be happy to have your own room (mom says)......I am, but can I have a lock ....so... aaa....my little sisters can't get in (yeah that's it)? No you can't, you don't need a lock on your door. I'm sorry you're not going to have that room of your own yet........Grandpa is moving in temporarily. (I'm pouting outwardly, but inwardly...Oh God thank you!) But mom that's not fair.....I smile inside.

I'm 11. Mom....dad touches me! What do you mean? Mommy he touches me down there....".OH MY GOD!!! "( Oh no....is it my fault?  Please don't hate me I didn't mean to! Please don't hate me!....I already hate myself). They are getting a divorce. NO....I love my dad, just make him stop touching me! Don't make him leave. Daddy is crying , and begging......he punches a hole in the bathroom wall. IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!!!

I'm 12. I don't like me I'm scared of everything, and everyone. I just stay by myself. Maybe no one will notice me,......but I don't really like being alone, I want friends. I'm just afraid they won't like me. Why should they....I don't like myself.

I'm 13, I'm 18, I'm 28, I'm 35. I still am not happy with me. I have learned how to appear not to be so shy, but I still am....even though I have 2 teenage daughters (I am still single). My dad has told me he was sorry ( he had a triple bypass, and thought he was gonna die). I want to believe him...I really really do,....but I don't! I find God...I think. I bring Him to my dad. I leave and move far away for a few years. He's found God now. He's very sorry...He cries "I'm sorry". I want it to feel good, and for it to make all the pain go away. It doesn't.

I'm 36. Lonely, lonely, lonely.

I'm 40. God brings me my husband to be. Thanks to my good friend, and thank you Lord!  What's a relationship supposed to be like? I've never had a real one...Not one where I haven't been abused! I'm Bossy, I want it my way!  HELP ME TO CHANGE!!!

I'm 42. We  are married in may of 2004. I'm very happy he..(dad) dosen't walk me down the isle! He's dead! 1 1/2 yrs now, but the son he never told us about ( my little sis found out about him going through my deceased step mothers papers) walks me down the isle!  Joy I am so happy. I love you hubby!

I'm 44. I'm still sad sometimes, and scared, and scarred, but....I am doing okay...what do ya want....I'm damaged goods! We probably all are in some way.

                                        by Donna Evans  7-3-04